when His plan doesn't make sense

It was an ordinary day in May, 2009 that we received a call from my sister. "There was a baby girl born in the hospital. She has Down Syndrome and has been abandoned by her birth mother. She needs a forever family. Will you pray for her?"

"Sure, I will pray." I told her honestly.

And yet as I walked upstairs to put away some laundry, the Lord spoke to my heart. "What if you are to be her family?" That thought both shocked and terrified me. We were in the midst of the domestic adoption process, we were officially waiting and yet, we had never considered special needs. Down Syndrome, the reality of those two words scared me to death.

But, God was at work and in a matter of two days, He completely changed our hearts. He turned our fear into desire. He grew our faith and we were ready to step out, we were ready to jump. We wanted this little baby girl - this sweet little angel. I will never forget the day we were to receive the word - yes or no. Was she to be ours or not. I couldn't keep myself busy enough. The butterflies had overtaken my stomach and I found myself on my hands and knees scrubbing under our counter and our bar stools trying desperately to stay active.

The call came while I was doing my hair. I figured this might be the day that we would bring home our baby, I wanted it all to be special. I even put on the new shirt I had recently purchased. But the answer wasn't what I was hoping for. Another family had come forward before us and they were going to be adopting her. I was crushed, I felt so depleted. How could this be? We were so ready to jump. The Lord had changed us, and now He was saying "no?"

I fell on our bed and called Clint through my tears, begging him to come home. "I need you."

Several months later, after many other ups and downs - so many birth moms who looked at our profile, so many times I thought this was the one. The Lord stretched us and grew us through this time. He asked us to be available, to trust Him more than our fears. He asked us to open up our hands and be willing and then over and over He said, "just wait."

In November of that same year, we were waiting on yet another call. Would this be the one? We were on vacation in Washington D.C. and as I sat at the table looking over my breakfast menu, Clint walked and handed me his phone so I could read the email that dashed my hopes yet again. Another no. Covering my face in my hands, I couldn't stop the tears that fell and stood up to leave the table. Clint walked me up to our hotel room and asked, "Do you need me to stay?"

"I just need to be with Jesus right now, honey. Thank you though." I told him and as the door shut behind him, I fell on our bed and cried out to God. "Lord I don't understand. This hurts so much. Give me Your perspective. I need Your perspective!"

It was then that I felt Him say, "Jami, think back to May when you were hurt and disappointed and you needed Clint first. Now, think about today. You are hurting and disappointed and you need ME first."

And all I could say was "Wow, Lord. That is everything!"

I have always loved Jesus but everything has changed now. He has truly become my first. My best. My everything! That is the greatest gift I could have ever imagined. It came through heartbreak and pain. It came in a package that wasn't wrapped up in a nice little bow and yet I am so grateful.

His plans are far greater than ours. My friends, if you are walking a long and twisting road, if you are on a journey that doesn't make sense to you, stay strong. He is weaving a beautiful story in your life. He loves you far more than you could ever imagine. He will not leave you hanging. He will never let you go. Fall into His loving arms. Cry out to Him and allow His love to fill your hurting places. He is faithful. He is Good.

Amazing God.