Change is good, Change is hard!

It's been quite an emotional week for me. I'm on this journey of faith with the Lord and once again He's stretched me, called me to obedience, and blessed me beyond measure! I love Him!!

Last week I made the very painful decision to quit my job as fitness instructor.

This has been a job I've done for 3 years and LOVED but the Lord in His gentle and loving way has showed me that I needed to let this go. Today I told my class which was so hard but I had to do it. I told them at the end of the workout and during our final stretch, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out, maybe both! Lots of nerves!!

Here is the email (with a few small changes) I sent to my co-workers last night. It explains all.

Hey friends -

Over the past several months, the Lord has been teaching me about rest. He's made it clear to me that I had been over committed and too busy. That is why I cut back my teaching load from 4 classes a week to 1 class. It's been several weeks since I did that but I now realize that it wasn't enough.

Girls, this is so hard for me to say but I have made the decision that I am quitting my job as instructor. I told Eren about this last week and I'm going to announce this in my class tomorrow. And will teach for 2 (right Eren?) more weeks.

This has been a decision I haven't taken lightly - I've shed so many tears and I wrestled with what to do but this is what I have come to realize.

I am passionate about Jesus and my family. I am passionate about adoption. I am passionate about encouraging women to find freedom and purpose in Jesus Christ.

BUT, I am not passionate about fitness.

I love exercising, I love making exercise fun and challenging for women, but I simply can't do it all.

And I really can't do it all WELL.

And for me to spend a lot of time, energy, and money on fitness, well honestly I just don't want to do that anymore. Life is too short to be frazzled and run ragged and that is how I was feeling much of the time in regards to the gym. I need to focus my time and energy on what He's given me passion for.

This is what I felt Him saying, "Jami you can keep doing what is good but in that you will miss out on what is best." I don't want to just get by in life, I want to experience God's best for me! I want to be open and available to do His work. And I trust Him so much more than I trust myself.

I actually talked to Eren last Tuesday night. I prepared to go in and tell her I needed to be done but on the way over, I freaked out. I got scared. How could I possibly leave what I love? We talked and I told her I was confused and unsure and so I left feeling heavy inside.

I woke up around 4 times that night and just felt inner turmoil. I truly didn't know what to do. The next day I took Rae to preschool, came home and turned on a Thomas movie for Hudson and went upstairs. Then I fell on my bed for an hour and just prayed "Lord show me."

Through that time, it became clear to me that I had not been completely willing to let go of "my" plan. And if I'm really honest, my pride. I was afraid of what quitting would mean for me. What it would feel like. How would it affect Eren, Daf, you all, and the ladies. BUT, when I focused on Jesus - I knew what I needed to do.

While I was wrestling with the decision, I cried and cried. In fact that day on the way to preschool, I was talking to my sister on the phone and of course started crying. From the backseat, I heard the sweet voice of one of my kids saying "Mom's crying again..."! :) The day before while on the phone again with a sister, I was crying about this and Paige came over to me. "Mommy, did you hear about the baby?" (we're being considered by a birth mom right now)

I told her "No..." She said "Because Raegan said you've been crying a lot."

Oh girls I'm a mess!

The exciting thing is though - when I finally let go, really let go of my will, obeyed the Lord and called Eren to tell her I needed to quit, my eyes have been dry. Well mostly! But I am so peaceful with my decision. It's hard because I love teaching and I have wavered with my decision (maybe I can do this...), but I KNOW I am being obedient to Jesus and because of this I feel SO FREE!