An Update But No Real News :)

Yesterday I typed in the search criteria to find "our" kids. Like usual, I typed "Oldest Child's Age" 6 and then hit "Search."

Immediately, my heart started beating faster and I felt a pit forming in my stomach as I COULDN'T FIND THEIR PICTURE.

"No, Lord - are you serious?? No..."

I quickly clicked on to the other photolisting site where their picture had also been and was relieved, yet confused to see their picture still there.

It was then I noticed something different.

The oldest "L" is no longer 6, she just turned 7. She must have had a birthday over the weekend or even today.

Both Clint and I felt a certain sadness for this little girl who we know only through one simple photo. I hope her foster family gave her a happy day. I hope she felt loved and special on her big day. I hope she got a birthday hug and kiss. 7 years. Wow...

We also realized immediately that she is about 1 month OLDER than our oldest, Paige. You hear a lot about the importance of adopting within birth order in the adoption world and we always felt like that was wise and something we planned to do.

BUT, so much has changed. I still don't know what the "right" thing to do is but I simply know that God has been leading this way and until He closes a door, we will continue to step forward. I did wonder how this would affect Paige, though.

Recently, I had talked with Paige about the possibility of "L" being just a few months older than her. "How would that make you feel, honey?"

Her response?

"Oh Mommy, right now when we play, I am always the Mommy or the Teacher but I would be happy for someone else to be the Mommy or the Teacher instead."

Love her!

Anyway, yesterday as I was praying, I felt burdened for my firstborn and now knowing for certain that "L" is older, how would she feel? I prayed that the Lord would just fill her with His perspective on the whole issue. And then I waited for her to come home from school.

Interestingly, she brought up the issue of wanting an older sister! So I took that moment to tell her the news. "Paige we just found out today that "L" just had her birthday and so she is 7 now, just about 1 month older then you."

Paige's blue eyes lit up with excitement and she was like "Yes!!" I asked her if that made her feel sad or strange at all?" Very matter of factly she said "Mom, I told you I wanted someone else to be the teacher or mommy, why would I be sad?"

Cool kid, cool. Thank You, Lord!

I don't know how she will feel in the future. Honestly, we can make it a big deal or we can keep the focus on others and on the Lord. And if she does struggle with the thought later on, we will be there to lovingly listen, understand, and even grieve that "loss" with her.

But as the Lord does with us, these times are ones where we are reminded, It's not about me. I want to learn this lesson more and I want my kids (all of them) to learn it as well. We need to be about others. Serving, caring, loving, sharing.

As I think about these kids, my heart hurts for them and I love them. But I've realized that it's still easy for me to focus on me. On how it will hurt ME if we don't get them. I'm embarrassed by my selfishness. After watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition last night (recorded from Sunday), I am more compelled and passionate about adopting them because they need a home, a family, a future.

I am also increasingly confident that we are on the right road as we pursue waiting children.

God knows where our journey will end (or really where it will begin) and I look forward to seeing what He has in store.

I love you all!