one week in: an honest look

Little sis has been with us for one week now. I think (and pray, and hope, and pray) that we are rid of the lice that she brought with her. Ugggh.

It has been an extremely stressful week. Extremely.

This whole situation has done a number on me. I have been seized with fear at times. And it's not just the "l" word (I don't even want to write it anymore!) :), this whole issue has taken me to dark places.

I haven't questioned our calling to foster. I really haven't. But I have regretted it at times this week. (I am just being honest here). I have felt the desire to wrap my arms around my kids and "protect" them from the big bad world. I have felt like hiding. I have felt like throwing up. I have felt like I might not make it through this. I have cried, oh how I have cried.

I've cried to my hubs, my mom, my dad, Clint's mom, my friends, my dr., the nurse, the kids' dr., pretty much anyone who asked the very simple question "how are you?"

It was a really bad week.

BUT, the Lord has been faithful! He has not let me fall. I have faltered, but I have not fallen. I have felt so very weak but the Lord has continued to bring people into my life to lift me back up. My mom has taken loads and loads of laundry to her house to give me relief. Clint's mom came and just helped me fold laundry when I was feeling overwhelmed by it all. Friends have been praying for me, encouraging me, loving me through this.

I feel melodramatic talking about how hard this week was when I realize it was just "the l word" but it wasn't really. Satan was bullying me. I was having trouble keeping my focus on the moment. My mind was drifting to the "what ifs" of our future. The questions about what else might come.

It's hard when you bring a new child into your home who you haven't yet fully bonded with and she brings with her (you know what). It is challenging (and I didn't do it well) to love her as Jesus does. To look at her as a child and not "a problem." I absolutely hate that this is how it's been but I'm trying to give you an honest gut level view of the realities of being a foster parent. It's hard. It's not natural. It's not always pretty.

BUT, we know that this is what God has called us to. We know that we are where we are supposed to be. We know that He will never leave us. We know that He will continue to walk us down this road. It is about moment by moment dependence. I am completely desperate for Him because when I try to do it on my own, or look to far in the future, I am a mess. I need Him. I love Him. I praise HIM.

He calls us to do hard things. Sometimes, it is not fun at all but other times there is joy unspeakable. I am praying for grace to live in the moment and to let GO of me (because I am stinkin' selfish) and allow the love of Christ to pour into me and spill out all over these sweet children (all 6) whom God has entrusted to me for this time.

It's a process. I'm a work in process but I am so grateful for my Jesus who loves me through it all and never leaves my side. Alleluah!