From my heart

Hey all -

I've had several adoption related posts recently. I think it's because I'm constantly thinking about our baby....EVERY SINGLE phone call - people! What is a girl to do?

Today the phone rang and of course, my heart skipped a beat. I took a deep breath and answered it (not having caller ID, every time is a surprise!)

I couldn't believe it - it was Karen from my agency!

"How are you Jami?"

Immediately I started shaking AND smiling. Could this be it? Could it really?

But sadly, no.

She was just calling to tell me about some changes in the program...changes that won't be affecting us but will affect those new to the agency.

I hung up feeling kind of numb. I was (am) disappointed and honestly just felt like snapping at my kids who were just hanging out in the family room.

Fortunately, I didn't.

After putting the kids to bed, I called Karen back to ask her if we would be told either way, if we were chosen and even if we weren't. She said yes but that if we weren't chosen - it would be awhile before we would know that.

And then she said that the birth mom (the one we know was looking at us) hasn't even made up her mind yet and hasn't been easy to reach. Karen thinks that she probably won't go through with it. The signs are there.

I hung up with her and just sat staring blankly for awhile. What does this mean? Has her baby even been born? I think it could be a longer wait than I was hoping for. I just don't know.

I went to spend time with the Lord. Honestly - the past 2 - 3 weeks have been harder on me - I've been more emotional. I think this adoption is weighing more heavily on me than I even realize.

As I was sitting with the Lord, He whispered "Hope in me. Not in "the call," not in your baby, not in ANYTHING else but Me." Oh, how I needed to hear Him say this.

I'm doing Beth Moore's study on "Daniel" and honestly, it was a big struggle to sit down and really work through it.

Today's lesson was more in depth - she even wrote, "I hope you've had your coffee because these verses may go over the head of anyone not quite awake." I let out a big sigh when I read that because everything in me just wanted to lay down and go to sleep.

But because God is good and He knew I needed this, He helped me press on. And when I finished, I felt better. I felt His arms wrapped around me. I felt His love.

Beth said "Beloved, God knows the details. Far in advance." She went on, "Our God knows what will be...just as intricately as He knows what has been."

This is what I needed to hear today. His plan is perfect! Lord help me to be patient and to remember to put my Hope in You. To find my strength in You and You alone because I am so weak on my own.

So this is where I'm at today, my friends. Honestly, I feel weak but I'm trusting in Him. I am so thankful that He continues to speak to me and to remind me of His faithfulness. I will cling to Him because His promises are true. Regardless of my emotions, He is in Control and He will see me through. I love Him!

Dear friends - I'm so thankful for you all! Can I pray for you today? Let's not go this life alone!! We need our Lord and we need each other!