A story I've never shared before...

Some of you know this but there are probably a lot who have never heard this part of our adoption experience before.

I've hesitated to share it partly because I've felt some guilt over it and party because one time when I did share it with someone, she said "Oh you should never tell that to Hudson." I'm not exactly sure why but I've held on to that comment and felt like this was too personal to share.

On the other hand, this story is such a testimony to just how personal my Lord, Jesus Christ is that I can't believe I haven't shared it yet!

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Today I'm sharing it because I've heard from a lot of you that you're interested in adoption and I always want to give you a very real perspective about it. It's definately not easy and there are a lot of emotional ups and downs. Things I never fully expected.

Are you intrigued yet??!

Let me begin.

When we were praying about adoption (the first time) one of my biggest fears was receiving a referral that we didn't feel peaceful about. Our agency assured us that we could say yes or no to any referral and that saying no did not mean we were bad but that that specific child wasn't ours.

In October 2006, my biggest fear came true.

I was at home when the phone rang. As I answered the phone I quickly recognized the voice on the other end. It was my social worker Denise. "We have a referral for you Jami!"

I immediately started shaking and was incredibly excited. Then she went on. "His name is Carlos and he is 2 months old." 2 months. Knowing we were in for a long wait, we were hoping for a baby who was only days old.

She continued on to tell me that he had a condition (can't remember the exact name). A physical symptom of his condition was that he didn't have pigment in a portion of his hair. Basically the front/middle of his hair was grey.

As I understood it, this condition - at it's worse could result in hearing impairment or complete hearing loss.

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This was a lot to take in. Definitely not what we were expecting or to be honest hoping for.

I looked at his picture and struggled with the grey hair. It was very obvious. I called Clint and cried because I had no idea what to think or do.

Our agency wanted us to make a decision within 24 hours. I shed so many tears in that 24 hours. Tears of guilt for being so focused on the outward appearance. Tears of the unknown. Tears of being at a complete loss of what to do.

I called my cousin who had adopted before and just sobbed to her.

What were we to do? There was no peace.

I told the Lord (and meant it) that if he wanted Carlos to be ours - that is exactly what I wanted but I needed to feel that from Him. I needed peace. Clint wasn't sure either.

We decided to sleep on it. I prayed that the Lord would fill me with peace and excitement if we were supposed to say yes.

That night I slept fitfully and woke up very unsettled and fearful.

Clint came home from an early Bible study feeling better about the situation. Then I told him how I woke up and I couldn't stop the tears.

In his wisdom, Clint said something like "Jami, I think this is our answer. We should decline this referral." I felt guilty for agreeing with him but yet there was peace in that decision as well.

Our social worker completely understood and assured us that Carlos simply wasn't our child.

The next day, my mom came over to let me take a nap. I was emotionally spent. As I was sleeping - she woke me up with a phone call.

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Another referral! I was shocked, scared, and excited. I woke up very fast indeed!

This time, everything was different.

I got off the phone and went to check THE email - I didn't look at the pictures but looked at the subject line. "Edwin Fernando" was his little name.

"Edwin!!" I shouted to my mom "His name is Edwin!!" This was especially exciting to me because my dear Grandpa's name is Edwin. I was shocked!

I ran out to the kitchen to talk to Mom and heard the announcer on the radio say "Up next a song by Fernando Ortego." FERNANDO!! My mom and I just laughed. I was shaking.

I grabbed the kids to head over to Clint's office. On the way over I said to the Lord, I feel that this is it! Even before seeing his face - I felt such peace. Sweet peace.

When we got there we sat down and the computer and most nervously opened up the pictures. As we looked at that first picture - we just kind of laughed and cried. "He's ours, isn't he Clint? He's really ours!"

That day we knew that we were beginning a brand new adventure.

There is more to this story but I've written quite a lot already. More tomorrow...