(The Red Letters Campaign blog buzz question is on attachment. Since I recently posted about this, I'm just attaching the Blog Buzz label now!)
This is my boy!!
Hudson came home when he was 10 months old. When we visited him as a 5 month old, he was absolutely PERFECT! Smiley, happy, cuddly - everything we could have dreamed of.
Before went back to Guatemala to bring him home, I felt more nervous about what he would be like. I worried about how he would attach to us now that he was older. Would he remember us? Could he possibly?
My fears quickly faded when I saw him and spent time with him. He bonded to me so quickly. He was just precious.
After we got home, real life hit VERY quickly!! All of a sudden we had 3 children. The girls ADORED him the first night; he could do nothing wrong!
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But SOON he started getting into their stuff or pulling their hair and cries of "NO HUDSON!!" or "Mommy, Hudson did ____" could be heard around our home!
I believe that as Hudson felt more comfortable and safe with us, he also developed more of an attitude. This actually was very good because it made me realize he felt at home BUT I struggled with such frustration over it.
Instead of feeling compassion when he would break out into tears, I felt annoyed! This bothered me because I wasn't sure WHY I was feeling this way. I had prayed for and cried over this child while I watched him grow up for 10 months without me.
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I felt completely bonded to him from his pictures but when he was home, I wondered just how bonded I really was to him.
When I would get frustrated, I'd immediately feel guilty and think - "What would Felipa (his foster mama) do?" "She wouldn't be annoyed with him right now."
It was also difficult to jump into life with 3 kids in tow. We went on not one, but 2 vacations within the first month of his homecoming!
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If I had that one to do over - we probably shouldn't have done that. We needed time to adjust as a family of 5, to just BE and not DO.
I felt like I was expected to just pick up and go. That since I didn't have a newborn, I didn't need the "recovery time." But to me, I did just have a baby.
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Looking back, I know that people didn't feel that way at all, but to my emotionally wrought self that's how it seemed.
The first few months were difficult for me. Lots of emotions, adjustments, and questions. Fortunately, Hudson adjusted so well! He just continued to bond with us and then more with the grandparents and the rest of our family and friends.
He is a sweet heart! He gives more kisses than the girls did combined!! He waves at most everyone he sees and says "HI!!" His smile melts my heart and I can't imagine life without him!
I finally came to realize that it truly didn't matter what percentage I was bonded to Hudson because I was and am 100% committed to him! My love for him has grown so much in the past year since he's been home. He is MY son. I am grateful to God for Him!
God bless you all today!
13 comments:
What an endearing post. Thank you for allowing yourself to share such raw emotions.
He is so beautiful!! We have a house full of girls so at She Speaks we adopted little boy from Compassion International...I wish we could bring him here too...you are so blessed!!
In His Graces~Pamela
Jami, Thanks for sharing your story, my heart connects with yours as I read it, because I know I would have had the same questions and feelings.
God bless you as you continue on in your process of the next adoption-glad your documents arrived safely!!
I know this was a hard post but it is something that we (atleast I) didn't feel like I could talk about when Madi first came home. I had many of the same feelings but I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling them. Madi and I didn't bond right away. It took months for us to start the bonding process. Now we are doing great!!
Thanks for sharing this!
Andrea
Thanks for sharing Jami! I know it must've been difficult but I appreciate you being real!
Jami,
I remember you saying quite a while ago about not being 100% bonded to him, but 100% committed to him. That just really stuck with me. I told that to a friend that just adopted...think that is so profound!
Hudson...you are such a cutie!
Thanks for sharing Jami . . .it's like so many things in life - isn't it? When we always wait to "feel" to act, there will be times that's lacking (in any type of relationship!). Somedays, we choose love more than we feel it. Thanks for the reminder.
I think it's the committment you've shown Hudson that shows the true heart and love of a mommy.
and I agree that he is such a sweetie!! : )
I know your openness and willingness to talk about real things is blessing others. I don't have children yet and have not walked in your shoes for adoption, but I have always been interested in it. I even did my master's project on the subject, creating a brochure for families who have adopted internationally. Again, thanks for sharing a hard thing...God will use it! :)
Jami,
I faithfully followed your blog as you waited for Hudson and I waited for Abbie. I have gone back into lurking mode lately, but it is such a blessing to me.
I greatly appreciate your honesty in this post. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. As hard as it is to admit, it took a while for me to feel truly bonded with Abbie. Now things are wonderful- but the adjustment, I think for many of us- isn't what we wanted or hoped for and we are afraid to admit it! Thank you so much for this post!
Please e-mail me at: kedurrett@nc.rr.com and I will send you an invite to Abbie's blog.
Hugs!
Karen
Jami,
Thanks for this post. I too struggled to bond with my son in the first months after he came home. I felt more like the babysitter, not like his mom. Looking back now, I know he was still guarding his heart against more loss but at the time it was frustrating and depressing for me. Once he realized that I was never going to leave him, his heart opened and true bonding began... now things are great.
It's such a relief to know that others went through this too... thanks again for sharing.
Camino
Jami. I am so glad you posted this..... I felt so many of the same emotions, but I expect MANY more of them when Essie comes home. I am thrilled and terrified all at the same time. I just keep reminding that He brought me to it, and He will get me through it!
love you!
i will need to bookmark this post...i have a feeling i will need this reminder!
thanks!
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